Being in a relationship is not about who you are as an individual, or who the other person is as an individual. It’s about what happens when the two of you come together.
A person might seem great, but for some reason, it didn’t work. And that’s because what’s more important than character traits, is dynamics. Like these:
Understanding your baggage
The only way you don’t have baggage is if you were born yesterday. Look, you’ve got it and you need to recognize it and understand it. You may have had a bad experience with an ex, or even with your parents, that’s given you some knee jerk reactions to things. Typically, when you have baggage, you respond to present day events as if they were past traumatic ones, simply because they look the same. But, they are not the same. And so it’s not fair to your partner to deal with your freak out when he didn’t do anything wrong. If happenings in life stir up strong emotions in you—stronger than they should be—analyze your past. That might be what you’re reacting to.
Understanding their baggage
You both have a responsibility to analyze yourselves, your pasts and recognize when your partner has actually messed up, or when your baggage is just creeping up. But sometimes, we still lose it. Sometimes our fears, insecurities and anxieties get the best of us and we lash out at our partner. Have the patience to understand when your partner is just acting up because of their baggage, rather than taking it personally. When your partner is having a full blown irrational reaction to you, sometimes you need to be the calm one and just let them get it all out. Nobody is perfect. And being with someone means accepting them, flaws and all.
Wanting to be close, not right
The only reason you should be fighting is because you feel something has gotten in the way of you and your partner being close. If you tend to resolve fights quickly, or if you’re both okay with saying sorry, even if you don’t accept fault, then you fight for the right reasons. But, if you hold grudges, remain angry for days or even weeks, you may not love this person as much as you thought because clearly being right, is more important to you than being close. When you’re with the right person, there’s a sort of glue there that keeps you from staying mad for long. When you’re with the wrong person, ego replaces that glue.
Happy to be bored
When you’re with the wrong person, you always feel like you’re waiting for something. When you’re in the car on the way to dinner, you feel like you’re waiting to be at the restaurant, amongst nice ambience, showing off your Hot dress and sipping on wine so that the two of you can finally bond. Being happy feels like it takes effort. But, with the right person, no moment spent with them feels like you’re waiting for anything. You’re just happy to be with them and in the most basic and boring setting, you feel excited. Or at the very least, content and comfortable.
Everybody fights and that’s because no couple has mind reading powers. Any time you get two people with their own separate minds, feelings and insecurities, there will be the occasional fight. That’s okay. But if you fear speaking up because you don’t want to be “crazy” you’ll end up miserable because issues will pile up in your head. It’s okay to be irrational sometimes and to just have an unwarranted emotion. Usually, the simplest statement of, “I’m feeling neglected right now” can fix everything. Even if your significant other didn’t do anything wrong, he/she can say something to make you feel better if you just tell them what’s up. If you are with someone who will judge you or criticize you for getting emotional, you’re with the wrong person.
You know the feeling—you touch the person and it’s on. Your bodies work together. That is the true meaning of chemistry. Chemistry happens when two different entities come together. Or, it simply doesn’t happen. It cannot be created though. It just is, or it isn’t. You might be with someone who you enjoy sex with but, it takes some work for you to be turned on. With the right person, it’s just there because your body is next to theirs. And that’s what you want.
The same goal
You can’t change what you want and you can’t change what he wants so if you’re in a long distance relationship and you want to stay where you are, be sure he/she wants to move to you. If you want four kids, be sure he/she wants to be a parent. If you want to have an open relationship (hey, to each her own) make sure that’s a concept that excites them too. Those things that you tell yourself you don’t want in the beginning are usually the things that break you up.