By Pius Adesanmi
"Ol'boy, e don happen o!"
"Ehn, wetin happen? Abati don get im own BMW gift from Oga?"
"For where? The car gift race na still 1-0 in favour of Okupe o. Maybe Abati will get his own car gift after writing a ten-part essay to abuse APC but no be Presidency parole I come yarn with una today o."
"Okay, so na wetin come happen wey you dey agitated like dis?"
"Men, na dis country matter just dey taya me."
"Naija taya you na dat one be news? Abeg leave matter. Na who Naija no taya?"
"Dat's not what I mean. What I'm saying is that I'm getting really pissed off with the way everybody is carrying on in this country about some women who were raped."
"Rape? Who rape women? When?"
"No be dis country we all dey? Have you forgotten our husband has gone mad again?"
"Ah, yes, our husband has gone mad again! I know the man. Who does not know that action man in this country?"
"Well, he has gone mad yet again and raped some Amadioha women just because they are resident here in Kakanfoland instead of living in their birthplace of Amadiohaland."
"Ah, ok, now I get it. You are talking about those Amadioha girls who were raped last week by our husband has gone mad again."
"Yes, das why I say Naija taya me."
"Naija taya you because our husband has gone mad again raped some Amadioha girls here in Kakanfoland?"
"No, Naija taya me because of the way these ungrateful Amadioha people have gone about the incident since last week."
"Ah, my brother, I see where you are going. You are on point. Mesef, I never see anything like dat before. Such liars and exaggerators."
"Abi o. They went about saying our husband has gone mad again raped 72 Amadioha girls when in fact he raped only about 14 or even less than 14 girls. This country sef. No ethics. No morality. A man rapes a mere 14 girls and you go about telling lies that he raped 72. Exaggeration is in the nature of Amadioha people."
"The exaggeration is not even what I find most nauseating. What annoys me the most is that even people among them I thought were intelligent are making it sound like rape only happens in Nigeria. They cannot do simple statistical research.
"I'm sure you know that New York men regularly rape girls from other states who are resident in New York. Last year, almost 200 Nebraska girls were raped in Brooklyn; last month, 80 native Illinois girls were raped in Manhattan by the men of New York; last week, about 20 California girls were raped in the streets of Harlem. Once you are an out of state girl in New York, chances are you will be raped because New York men like to rape foreign girls in accordance with their belief that only sane and wealthy girls born in New York must live in New York. The statistics are there.
"Have you heard any of these people making noise in Nigeria talk about the periodic rape of out of state girls in most American states? No, they will not. It is only when rape happens in Nigeria that they start disturbing everybody."
"My brother, you are very correct. But you are even going too far by talking about the regular rape of out of state girls in America. Have you not noticed the tribalism of all the idiots who are attacking our husband has gone mad again? Stupid tribalists. They are making it sound like he rapes only Amadioha girls."
"Ah, my brother, di ting taya me o. I have thought about that too. I cannot stand the hypocrisy of Amadioha noisemakers. Here is a man who has frequently raped the daughters of Muhammad Rumfa and Othman Dan Fodio. In the last two years, I cannot count how many Kakanfo girls he has raped - from the daughters of Mesiogo to the daughters of Ogbeni. He has raped them all. Yet, instead of acknowledging his sense of justice and fairness as an equal opportunity rapist, Amadioha tribalists are skewing the picture to make it look like he rapes only Amadioha girls."
"Na only dat one? What about regular rape even within Amadiohaland? How many times have girls been raped just because they do not come from a particular region of Amadiohaland? Do you hear any talk about that one? It is only the rape of Amadioha girls in Kakanfoland that you will them scream about. Even that obstreperous victim of Jesus Christ from Ikwerre land has started raping non-native girls in Port Harcourt and nobody is talking about it."
"My brother, you are spot on. We must not allow tribalists to condemn our own. We must notlet them obscure his sense of fairness. We must continue to scream it out to the whole world that our husband has gone mad again rapes girls equally from every part of Nigeria. We must make the case that his counterparts in Amadiohaland also rape girls from Amadiohaland and are not even humane rapists like our husband has gone mad again."
"Abi o. All the talk about rape don taya me sef. They go on and on flogging the issue as if it is more than rape. No be just rape? The more they flog the issue, the more I get bored. Abeg we need to move on jare."
"Don't mind them. We are ready for them. In fact, I cannot authoritatively tell you now but I hear that one of our brothers is going to deal ruthlessly with them in an essay tentatively entitled, “The Bitter Truth About Amadioha Tribalists."
"Ah, my brother, now you are talking! Abeg, let him told dem! Let him told dem, my broda! What is that article about?"
"I cannot categorically tell you now what the article is about but I hear that the man will show them pepper. Our brother is working on that article as we speak because he is furious that Amadioha tribalists are not just claiming to be the owners of the girls who were raped by our husband has gone mad again but, also, the bed on which the girls were raped. Can you imagine that insult upon injury? Not content with exaggerating the number of girls who were raped, they are now saying that they own the girls and the bed. Our broda will teach them who own's Papa's bed in his article."