Ask Naij:

Ask Naij: "My Husband Has Not Had Sex With Me In 3 Years"

I’m a 34-year old woman who has been married for three and a half years. My husband avoided sex in every possible way since day one.

A couple of times we did manage to have sex, but it was not a happy situation because, now in hindsight, I can see that he just didn’t insert it right. For the first few months he said it was my virgin pain that he couldn’t handle. Then, he said it was the stress at work, hence he was low on libido. Almost three years of marriage passed like that.

However, through this period he told people behind my back that ours was a sexless marriage because I was frigid. Even though I knew he’d spoken about me I stayed on in the marriage because, apart from the sex problem, we were really close as friends. So, when he apologized and broke down for speaking lies about me, I preferred to forget it.

Ask Naij: "My Husband Has Not Had Sex With Me In 3 Years"

Career-wise, he has always been unsteady. He attempted to start a new venture two years ago which crashed totally eight months back. Since that time he has been quite depressed and distant from me. He’s constantly on the computer gaming, or on the phone. Suddenly, in the past three months he’s made it clear that he wants to end the marriage. He gives all kinds of reasons from the two of us having no understanding to me being unsupportive. All of which none is true. Sexually, he says he’s now fine, but he is not attracted to me anymore for us to even initiate sex. He says in the initial years of our marriage we couldn’t have sex due to various circumstances, but now it’s too late to rekindle passion and interest.

He will never be honest with me how much I try asking. Many of his actions point out to him being gay. Before marriage we were together for two years, but never had intercourse (we only helped each other masturbate). So, I couldn’t tell. He could hardly kiss well, even though he would try. But, my only reasoning was that his sexual interest was less than mine, or probably I was very high on sex. And, the homophobia thing also applies to him.

Anyway, over the past three months he is insisting on a divorce even though it doesn’t seem the most practical thing for him to do at this juncture. One more thing is that he has been very close to a new male friend, a professor, who is three years older than him, and he is unmarried. They’ve become unusually close over the past months and I’ve met the guy just once. When my husband speaks to me on the phone in front of him, he sounds very to the point and even abrupt.

While I have almost been certain that my husband is gay, (I believe he abstained from it, but succumbed finally after meeting this professor), I suddenly get stumped a month ago when I find out that my husband has also been speaking to a woman in another state every day for five to six hours for the past few months. He has given her hopes of a future. I managed to get someone to call her up and got all the details. She said my husband and her met on Facebook, and they speak every day. They’ve met twice when he went to her city. Both times were for a few days. However, they’ve not had sex because, “he was not comfortable with the idea since he was still married,” she said.

Now I have a few questions:

1.) If he is gay (because he’s not interested in sex with women clearly), then what’s the role of this woman in his life? Is she just a cover?

2.) Does he feel for me at all? Did he ever feel for me?

3.) Wouldn’t it have suited him to keep this marriage going?

4.) I believe he wants to separate because he’s guilty. Or, probably because he wants the world to know that he ended the marriage so it doesn’t cast any aspersions on him?

What do you think? Please let me know.

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