An unmarried man sued YouTube parent Google, Inc., today in federal court for “making him a permanent bachelor.”
In his suit against the tech giant, Emanuel Dietrich complained that all the elaborate marriage-proposal videos on YouTube presented a “false reality,” which made it impossible for “busy, fully employed, and creatively challenged bachelors like himself to live up to the expectations of today’s women.”
“Whatever happened to dinner, a ring, and getting down on one knee?” said the 42-year-old Dietrich in a brief interview outside the courtroom. “That used to be enough to drive most single girls into tears of delirium. Now, thanks to that fraud YouTube, women are expecting a marriage proposal to feature a fully choreographed musical number with at least 50 extras, augmented reality, and a minimum of one million video views before they’ll even consider committing.”
Google denied any responsibility for any of the videos uploaded to its video-sharing site. “Remember, not one of our thousands of employees has ever watched a single video on YouTube. Ever,” said a Google insider, who requested anonymity. “No lie: we have no idea what’s being shown on our own multibillion dollar platform. Pirated TV shows?
People performing dangerous stunts? Outrageous marriage proposal videos? Sorry, we may be the largest information company in world history, but we have no clue.” Dietrich’s girlfriend of 15 years, Molly Gershowitz, admits that while she loves Dietrich, she has turned down “at least eight” proposals from him. “I mean, c’mon. Is one flash-mob dance routine too much to ask?”