Despite being the alleged perpetrator of a litany of heinous – often violent – crimes and otherwise reprehensible acts, R&B star Chris Brown has remained completely unpunished by God, causing Pope Benedict XVI to question his religious beliefs.
His Holiness had retained his faith through many excruciating events in his life, including involuntary conscription into the Hitler Youth as a young boy growing up in 1940s Germany, but seeing Brown continue his musical career unhindered by any holy smiting has caused him to question his Catholicism. “I cannot, in good conscience, stand before you and assert God’s heavenly justice and love,” said the pope, addressing a crowd of thousands gathered below his Vatican balcony for Sunday Mass. “... so long as Chris Brown goes on in this world without being struck by lightning or swallowed by the Earth.”
Pope Benedict has reportedly tried every method available to shore up his once-steadfast faith, even turning to self-flagellation in a moment of desperation. “All I did was suffer more than that rat bastard ever did for beating up Rihanna,” said the Supreme Pontiff. “Did you see those pictures!? That was brutal! How does a just God allow that to happen?” Brown, whose abhorrent behavior has included his notorious bludgeoning of pop star Rihanna, dressing up like an al-Qaeda terrorist for Halloween and assaulting beloved R&B singer Frank Ocean over a parking space, has remained defiant and unrepentant for his alleged actions.
Yet, Brown’s offensive conduct has failed to land him in jail or invite the wrath of an angry God, at the most only resulting in peripheral sniping from Internet commenters. “Haters can keep hating. Now I know how Jesus felt,” said Brown, somehow not spontaneously combusting on the spot. His actions, as well as their inability to attract any sort of divine retribution, have confounded Pope Benedict, who seems more troubled with every second Brown is not swarmed by a plague of locusts. “I don’t get it. This guy should be a fucking pillar of salt by now,” said the pope, then turning toward the sky. “
With his faith shaken to its core, he told supporters and fellow Catholics that he would ask them to pray for him, but that it would be like mice squeaking into an infinite void. Pope Benedict later emerged from days of solitary reflection to announce that he would be renouncing the papacy. “I must utilize my time left on this pitiless rock to do something meaningful,” said the former Bishop of Rome and Vicar of Jesus Christ. “I must do what needs to be done: smite Chris Brown. Call it doing God’s work.”