By Pius Adesanmi
And it came to pass that on the fiftieth year of the slavery of the tribe of the owners-of-black-gold-but-hewers-of-stone in the deep south, God gave ear to their cries and hearkened. And there was a man named Jona the teacher who was of the house of Fedora. And God came upon Jona in a dream and saith: "lo, I have seen the affliction of your people whose black gold hath been stolen these past fifty years to build other peoples' tents to the north of the river; I have heard the cries of your people on account of their taskmasters from the desert. Indeed, I know their sufferings and I have come down to deliver them from bondage and to place on their tongues the milk and honey that floweth out of the abundance of their land for the first time in their lives. So, come, I will send you to the city by the Rock in the land of the taskmasters of the desert and place you on the great throne from whence cometh all power."
And Jona fell on his face and saith: "My Lord and my God. Be it done to me according to thine will." And the word of the Lord came to pass and Jona the teacher was indeed placed on the throne of power after death hath looked upon King Yarus of the tribe of the desert taskmasters who had gone to seek healing from the descendants of Ishmael in the land of Arabia. And there was great rejoicing among the tribe of the owners-of-black-gold-but-hewers-of-stone in the deep south for the hour of their redemption is indeed come. And they lifted up their eyes unto the mountains and sang:
We have overcome
We have overcome
We have overcome today
Oh deep in our hearts
We do believe
We have overcome today
And their leader, a fiery patriarch called Clarkodemus, saith unto the desert taskmasters of yore: "Touch not Jona my anointed for who God hath blessed no man can curse!" And after the new King Jona had burnt a thousand offerings, the Lord appeared to him in a dream and saith: "Because thou hast found favour in mine eyes and art now king, ask whatever you want and it shall be granted unto thee."
And King Jona did obeissance and saith: "My Lord and my God, great indeed is thy faithfulness. You have been kind to me your servant by making me king and to my people in the deep south by giving us dominion over the black gold of our earth that was taken away for fifty years by our taskmasters from the desert. Therefore, I would have asked of thee wisdom and a discerning heart to rule over this 160 million people; I would have asked of thee knowledge to distinguish between right and wrong but, unfortunately, King Solomon already asked for all these things so many years ago before me."
"My lord and my God, being my own man, I do not want to copy the requests of King Solomon. Seeing that my people in the deep south have suffered and never made merry in fifty years, I ask that you grant unto me, my wife, and the guardian-warriors of the black gold of my people the years of Methuselah whereupon we may live forever to make merry and recover the locust years we lost to our taskmasters from the north. Grant unto me the wisdom to make merry with the shekels that cometh out of the abundance of black gold in the land of my fathers. Let my mouth sayeth unto my servants: bring forth musicians to play the horn, flute, zither, lyre, harp and all kinds of music for that which was taken by our taskmasters in the north has been rendered unto us tenfold. King Solomon asked for wisdom. As for me and my household, we have decided to make merry."
And the Lord saith unto Jona the King: "Thou seeketh the shekels of thine inheritance to make merry?" And Jona the King replied: "We shall also buy the best robes for our guests and we shall put rings on their hands and shoes on their feet. We shall kill the fatted calf and buy the best wine from the bridegroom’s store in the land of Cana And we shall say unto our guests: rejoice and be glad for that which was taken from us hath been restored."
And the Lord cast King Jona away from His presence. Whereupon King Jona's heart hardened. Foolishness and pride took dominion over his mind. And he sent forth for all the guardian-warriors of the black gold from the land of his fathers and saith: "Come thou now into the kingdom of this world and partake of the bounties which hath been added unto our inheritance. Thine bellies shall be the bellies of our people. Whatever thou eateth shall be considered eaten by our people."
And the guardian-warriors of black gold who hath lived by the sword and by blood in the creeks and the bushes made haste to the city by the rock. One was called Tompolus the Mighty and the other was called Asarius the Ijawmite. And they came into King Jonah's presence and did obeisance. Whereupon great joy is come unto King Jona's heart upon seeing his brothers. And the king saith unto the guardian-warriors: "Brothers, I welcome thee into our inheritance. Look at this great city by the rock, look northward and southward, look westward and eastward, all that you see was built with our black gold and upon our backs by our taskmasters of yore. Now eat and let us make merry for that which was taken from us hath been restored tenfold."
And there was great rejoicing among King Jona and his brothers from the creek, Asarius and Tompolus. And they invited the palace servants to partake of the great feast. One was Orontus and the other was Renokrim, also of the creeks. One was Dokupemus, a moneychanger who hath robbed people in the land of the farmers in the middlelands and the traders in the east before he found favor with King Jona as a trumpeter. The other was Reuben the Ogunite, a junior trumpeter to Dokupemus.
And when their bellies hath filled with food and wine, Dokupemus and Reuben cried forth and saith unto the assembly of King Jona and his brothers from the creek: "Though we come from the land of the merrymakers to the west, it is meet that we spit on the land of our forbears and adopt your land. The gods of your creeks shall be our gods and the ancestors of your creeks shall be our ancestors." And it pleased King Jona and Asarius and Tompolus what they heard from these two servants whereupon King Jona saith: "Dokupemus and Reuben my humble servants, our gods shall be your gods and our ancestors shall be your ancestors."
And they made merry.
And nights passed. And mornings came. And life got worse for the tribe of the owners-of-black gold-but-hewers-of stone in the deep south even with their son as king; and nothing changed for the other people all over the rest of the land. And when a great famine and pestilence came upon the land, the people of the creeks became agitated and cried up to their son King Jona: "Give us bread and shekels."
And King Jona rent his clothes in anger and saith: "lo, you people of the creeks, for three years now I have killed the fatted calf for our guardian warriors, Tompolus and Asarius. Their bellies are your bellies. Whatever they eat into their own bellies is sufficient unto the people. I have given Tompolus dominion over the waters and unto Asarius I have given billions of shekels."
And nights passed. And mornings came. And the people of the creek were hungry still. And they came unto King Jona their son and saith: "Give us bread and shekels and water that we may wet our parched throats." Whereupon King Jona saith unto his people: "Lo, I still feed Tompolus and Asarius. Their bellies are thine bellies. When they feed, thou art fed. When they drink, thine thirst disappears. Go now in peace."
And nights passed. And mornings came. And the people of the creek were hungry still. But in the fourth year of King Jona's reign, he sent his servants forth into the creeks with a message for the people. And King Jona's servants went to the creeks and saith unto the people: "lo, the time is come to choose a new King for the great throne of the land in the city by the rock. Behold the evil taskmasters to the north, the greedy traders to east, and the lousy merrymakers to the west covet the throne of our son, King Jona. It is meet that we come together to secure the throne of our brother who hath fed two great bellies in the last four years. For he took our brothers Tompolus and Asarius out of the creeks and bushes and made moneychangers of them. And when they fed, the people fed, when they drank, the people drank, for their bellies are the people's belly. Let not our enemies to the east and to the west and to the north visit iniquities upon our inheritance."
And one poor fisherman who hath seen years and suffering rose and saith: "lo, it is true indeed that our son hath been King in the last four years but pray, how doth the food and the wine move from the bellies of Asarius and Tompolus into my belly? For I have known hunger in the last four years of King Jona our son like I knew hunger under our taskmasters from the north."
And great anger is come upon the servants of King Jona. Whereupon they called their centurions and saith: "Take this ungrateful fisherman and cast him into the lions' den. For he knoweth not that the hunger you suffereth in the hands of your son is sweeter than than the hunger you suffereth in the hands of strangers. He knoweth not that the thirst inflicted on you by your brother is sweeter than the thirst inflicted by strangers. He knoweth not that when two of us eat, like brothers Tompolus and Asarius are eating from the table of our great King Jona, even so the multitudes are automatically fed, for their stomachs are the stomach of the people. Cast this fisherman away and let it be said that though the Nazarene son of a carpenter fed the multitude with five loaves of bread and two fish, our King Jona hath performed a greater miracle these past four years for he fed only two bellies and the whole creek was fed. So let it be written, so let it be done."