After Wednesday’s historic decision by the U.S. Department of Defense to lift the ban on female U.S. troops serving in combat zones, many dorky, socially awkward male soldiers are getting nervous about having girls around.
“Oh boy,” said Pfc. Jordan Bennett, taking a puff from his albuterol inhaler. “Ummm, OK, you can do this, Jordan. It’s just some pretty girls.” The bookish, pimple-faced U.S. Marine, a combat veteran of three tours in Afghanistan and Iraq, is just one of many soldiers who have seemed slightly anxious since being told women will be serving alongside them. Critics of the measure argue that having women on the front lines will distract their male counterparts.
“No, sir … I mean, ma’am, WE’LL BE … *ahem*,” said Bennett, his voice cracking. “We’ll be cool. Right, guys?” As the squadron of pale, sweaty-palmed soldiers timidly nodded their agreement, a thick musk of Drakkar Noir men’s cologne wafted through the desert air. Bennett’s commanding officer, Sgt. Taylor Hanes, who was once captured and held for days when Taliban militants ambushed his platoon, expressed cautious optimism in his troops’ ability to maintain their composure despite the challenge of having attractive ladies nearby.
“We’re all adults. There’s no need for things to get weird,” said Hanes, spitting on his palm to quickly comb down a cowlick. “We’re just hanging out. No pressure.”
The ban is scheduled to be fully lifted by May 15, at which time the Joint Chiefs of Staff will present all female soldiers with a mixtape they made for them.