I have been raped at various times by my father, uncle and our driver. My primary six teacher also had his fill of me. While in secondary school, two boys ganged raped me in the classroom. Although all of them including my father, always came back to plead for my forgiveness after raping me, but such pleas don’t erase what they did to me. They all did it once. Till date, I avoid my father like a plague. He too is always very uncomfortable around me just like my uncle who nobody has seen since he came to plead with me. He stays in Jos and has refused to come home.
Now I am in my 300 level and the only way I enjoy sex is for a man to be very rough with me. This worked for me until recently when I fell in love with my boyfriend.
Honestly, love is happening to me for the first time since I became an adult. All my life, it has been animalistic urge; have sex and walk away from it all before it becomes too complex.
I have never had any serious relationship in my entire life because I see men as wicked, opportunists and animals.
Given what I feel for my boyfriend, I know I am very much in love with him but at times when I remember all the abuses I went through I wonder if this relationship is worth it.
At times too, when I recount the many times I was raped by my father and all the other men, I wonder why me. Is there something about me that made all these men rape me? Once I went to a church where the pastor called me out of the congregation and told me to see him after service. When I saw him after service, as if looking into the mirror he told me everything about my life. since I haven’t told anybody the story of my life, I knew he was real.
He told me it was done by my grandmother to destroy my life because she never approved of my father marrying my mother. He said she put an evil mark on me to instigate men to violating me at will.
He conducted three days deliverance sessions for me. It was after that I met my boyfriend. Despite the signals I give him, he has resisted making love to me. He expresses the desire to marry me and has taken the steps of introducing me to his parents. He graduated three years ago and works in the energy sector. Although he has an idea of all that happened to me, I haven’t given him the entire details of the many men who raped me. Also, it is proper to tell him about my father since he has met with him when he came with parents and extended family members for a mini introduction.
Deep down, I have this urge to come clean with the story of my past. Another thing is how to respond to his love making when we eventually make love. Would it be proper to ask him to be violent with me as is my custom?
Sometimes too, all the old hatred I have for men resurfaces. At such times, I keep away from him but it would be difficult to do once we are married. I am just confused about it all and what to do?