Dictator Excited To Discover A Human Right He Hasn’t Taken Away From His People Yet

Dictator Excited To Discover A Human Right He Hasn’t Taken Away From His People Yet

Senior General Than Shwe, Burmese military dictator and former chairman of the State Peace and Development Council, became very excited earlier today when he figured out that there is still one human right he hasn’t taken away from his people, local media is reporting.

Dictator Excited To Discover A Human Right He Hasn’t Taken Away From His People Yet

Mr. Shwe runs a military dictatorship that uses forced labor to build vast infrastructure projects and to engage in violent military actions that the Burmese government is currently launching against a variety of ethnic minorities. Though Mr. Shwe has carefully guarded his privacy and rarely speaks to the press, he took some time today to share his excitement with a group of journalists.

“I can’t believe I missed one, I thought I’d abused every human right possible,” he said. “In the last ten years I’ve shipped millions of Burmese people to jungle gulags and rural slave camps to do manual labor, I’ve taken away free speech, children’s rights, freedom of thought, conscience and religion. I’ve made sure dissent is not tolerated by government, and still, I forgot to ban access to water,” the dictator cheerfully told reporters.

The Senior General explained that the realization struck him when a couple of slaves that had been working on a rotating gold statue of himself asked him if they could “take a break and get some water to drink.”

“Though there’s nothing more irritating than whiney slaves, the contribution of these men to this crucial realization is largely appreciated, and they will be rewarded by going to one of the jungle gulags with the least hostile guards,” Mr. Shwe said.

The Senior General, who has been in power since 1962, said that this is his third favorite “dictator’s decision”, right behind making Burma famous for having more child soldiers than any other country in the world, and rigging the 1990 elections by having all of his political rivals executed.

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