Suicidal Man’s Life is Prolonged by a 3-Hour Train Delay

Suicidal Man’s Life is Prolonged by a 3-Hour Train Delay

Malfunctioning traffic signals near the Roxboro station prolonged the life of David Trembley, 36, who wanted to commit suicide by throwing himself under the train, for three long, unbearable hours.

Suicidal Man’s Life is Prolonged by a 3-Hour Train Delay

“This is an outrage. It’s exactly the kind of thing that makes one want to commit suicide. An honest man can’t really do anything right in this world anymore, including pick a reliable way to kill oneself,” said the frighteningly agitated and suicidal man.

“I should have known something would go wrong. Who in their right mind depends on a train to be on time and follow a planned schedule?” Mr. Trembley asked. The recently divorced man, who was also unemployed after being laid off from his job at a local bank, said that he originally planned to jump in front of a moving train, but that when the unpredictable delay came up, he attempted to find alternative ways to end his life, all of which failed.

“Just the thought of spending three more hours alive in this world, and in the worst possible way ever, waiting for public transportation, got me feeling sick to my stomach, so I tried to end it, but nothing worked,” he added.

Mr. Trembley explained that he tried to hang himself but couldn’t find anywhere to do it, and had even attempted to provoke other waiting passengers to beat him to death, but that also resulted in complete disaster.

“Damn Canadians, they are all so Goddamn nice. Country with most guns in the world per capita and yet nobody is willing to shoot you, no matter how much you insult them or even beg for it,” the former banker added. Mr. Trembley said that he has run out of ideas about how to end his life and if he doesn’t die from boredom in the meantime, he’ll go through with the original plan when “the damn train starts moving again”.

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